Scorpios Reunited (5/16/06)

Anna: Oh, robin. Of course we are, sweetheart. I mean, we were horrible parents. Robert and I as role models were complete disasters.

Robert: Speak for yourself.

Anna: We made horribly selfish choices that hurt you, and it -- it shapeyour little psyche in negative ways, and for that -- and I will speak for you here -- we are truly sorry.

Robert: She's doing fine. She's not in therapy.

Robin: Huh. What -- ve you conveniently forgot my medical status?

Robert: Well, it -- a pothole in the highway of life, influenced, I might add, by your deadbeat parents. Look, reprehensible as we may be, we created you to be tough, resilient, and independent.

Robin: Hmm.

Robert: Look at the amazing career you've carved for yourself. You've got this extended family of people around you that love and adore you and that more than filled the slack that you and I created. And you've got this new doctor boyfriend.

[Anna gasps] Anna: You do? Oh. Honey --

robin: Oh -- no.

Anna: You have a boyfriend.

Anna: You have a boyfriend? Why didn't I hear about this immediately?

Robin: A, because ever since you dropped out of your helicopter with your machine gun, you've been too busy punching out dad for me to warrant your attention.

Anna: Sorry.

Robin: And, by the way, there's nothing to tell. Patrick drake is not my boyfriend! Dad is just yanking my chain because, well, that seems to be the only way he knows how to communicate.

Robert: That's not true. I mean, you should've seen them together. I thought I was at an afternoon matinee.

Anna: Oh, stop it!

Robin: No, sorry! That was a performance, thank you, to distract the bounty hunters from hauling you and your freaky friends to jail.

Robert: And convincing it was, at that. This guy's a talented neurosurgeon, and good-looking, too.

Anna: Really? My little girl nabbed a neurosurgeon?

Robin: No --

anna: Oh, you know, it is so good when two people have a career in common. It's just -- it's so good.

Robin: Right, because that worked out really well for you two.

Anna: Oh, your father and I are not an example of anything. So, how serious is it?

Robert: Very.

Anna: Really?

[Robin sighs]

Anna: I mean, what -- really? Like wedding bells or something?

Robin: You guys! You will not listen to me! Patrick drake is not and will never be my boyfriend. Honestly, I can't stand him!

Anna: Ignore your father -- I do. Sit down. I want you to tell me about your young man. Come on.

Robin: All right, fine. I'll tell you about patrick.

Anna: Ok.

Robin: All right. I mean, he's attractive -- I'll give him that.

Anna: Mm-hmm.

Robin: But not as devastatingly handsome as he thinks he is.

Anna: Yeah, well, he's a man.

Robin: Right. He's a brilliant surgeon -- um, actually there's no one better than him. On a human level, he has brief flashes of depth, but they happen, let's say, as often as a solar eclipse, but you know, you take what you can get. Otherwise, he's a pig.

Robert: Three out of five -- at's not bad.

Robin: Patrick is the most conceited man I think I have ever met --

anna: Uh-huh.

Robin: With the exception of you. I mean, he's -- oh -- he's arrogant, he's pushy. He think that his insensitive behavior can be erased with a sexy smile and a sleazy joke. He's a challenge junkie -- I mean, whether it's acing the latest medical procedure or winning a bet so he can get the attending nurse into bed. I mean, it's quite disgusting.

Anna: Oh.

Robert: See? He's not a bad guy.

Anna: Oh.

Robin: You know what? That's another thing -- he thinks that he is god's gift to women. He thinks that he's entitled to anyone that moves practically. I mean, he almost nailed holly on the dining room table, remember that?

Robert: That was to get a reaction from you, and it -- it worked.

Robin: Whatever. It doesn't matter, none of it matters. I mean, even if I was stupid enough to like him, I could never trust him.

Robert: Ah! What --

anna: Oh.

Robert: What'd I do?

Anna: You made our daughter fall in love with you!

Robert: Ahem.

Anna: Oh.

[Robin coughs] Robin: Ok. I think you need to explain that last statement.

Anna: Oh, robin, it's just -- it's textbook psychology. Most young girls, they tend to choose men that remind them of their fathers, which only becomes unfortunate when the father in question is a self-absorbed, emotionally void libertine who lies for a living.

Robin: Well, patrick is a doctor. That's about as far away as you can get from -- I don't know -- whatever you call yourself these days.

Anna: What do you call yourself these days?

Robert: Agent of the world.

Anna: Oh!

[Robin and anna laugh]

Anna: Ok, so, whatever. Ok, just -- let's just go down the list --

robin: Sure.

Anna: And then you tell me when I'm wrong, all right?

Robin: Mm-hmm.

Anna: So your patrick is, what -- arrogant?

Robin: Check.

Anna: Domineering?

Robin: Totally.

Anna: The attention span of a gnat, unless sex is involved?

[Robin gasps]

Robin: So true!

Anna: And the emotional depth of a teeny-weeny thimble, a little teeny --

robin: Oh, my god! You're right! I think I've found a stand-in for you.

Robert: And exactly what is wrong with loving me?

Robert: I hardly think that loving me is a hanging offense. I mean, I have many exceptional qualities, and your mother knows that all too well.

Anna: What? Don't. Please, leave me out of this.

Robert: All right. Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't crave me --

robin: Oh --

robert: The very first second we met.

Anna: Oh --

robert: And that every other man in your life, including that toilet flush lavery, has come up woefully short.

Anna: Excuse me. As usual, you give yourself way too much credit. You were insufferable, robert. I mean, impossible to live with. Between you and this massive ego of yours, there was barely enough room for me in the bed. But don't even get me started on what a nightmare you were to work with. He had to win at all costs, even when we were working on the same side. Now, that is a true mark of a lousy spy.

Robert: That is a sucker punch and completely uncalled for.

Anna: Ok. Well, so, who got us blown up by faison?

Robert: Who got us caught up in that ambassador's porno closet?

Anna: Oh, shh. God, you're a spiteful toad, you know.

Robert: Ice sculpture!

Robin: Will you guys stop? I have a question for you. Did you two ever love each other, like normal people?

Robert: More than you'll ever know.

Anna: Robert is right. I did want him from the moment I laid eyes on him. But it wasn't just physical. Look, I know. You asked, ok? So suck it up. I felt connected to someone else for the first time in my life -- deeply connected. Robert felt like roots for me, like home. And I would have to say that no other man has ever really affected me quite the same way. I would have to say that. But you know, I take great pride in my independence. And robert is the only man I've ever allowed to rescue me. Hes the only man I've ever needed. We had an incredle life. We shared adventures that most people can only just imagine. And I think we experienced a once-in-a-lifetime love. Right?

Robert: That's right.

Anna: Right. But I think what I would have to say the greatest thing that we've ever done together is to create our extraordinary daughter. And for that reason alone, I -- I'm really sort of thankful --

[Robert chuckles]

Anna: For the day that he walked into my life. Ok? So, there. Now you know.

Robert: Um -- i tend to disagree with your mother on principle. This time she's got me. Without question, you are our greatest achievement. Not a day goes by that I don't give thanks for that. You -- said before, how much did we love each other? I loved this woman beyond reason.

Robin: I can see it from both of you, so why --

robert: Why couldn't we get it together? Oh, I mean, your mother's independence, my need to compete. But I can say at this moment, at any time, anna devane still takes my breath away. Ok, enough soul-baring for one day. I'm out of here. You can pick over my bones, if you wish.

Anna: Well --

robin: You still love him.

Anna: Of course I do.

Anna: I don't know -- it's kind of like a little bittersweet thing.

Robin: Hmm.

Anna: You know, to find that sort of inspirational love and -- and just to have to abandon it because you're incapable of being together. I guess it's one of life's mirthless joS. I love robert, but, oh, my god, I can't stand him. You know?

Robin: That's really sad.

Anna: It's not. It's -- it's -- it's just the coin toss that we pulled. And no doubt, my heart has been hardened because of all of that, so don't pay any attention to me. Because it doesn't mean that you're doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. You know, you and patrick -- you're going to be just fine.

Robin: Oh, hold on. No, I'm not in love with patrick.

Anna: I know, I know you're not in love with him, I know. But I'm just saying that just in case things should change, I want you to be able to just give your heart freely. But hold on to your soul because you never know when you're going to need that.

Robin: Thanks, mom.

Anna: One other thing, all right? That -- for what it's worth, you know? Your father's not perfect. God knows he's not perfect. But he really adores you. And he wants you in his life. Ok?

[Robin sighs]

Anna: So if there's any way that you could be more -- more patient and compassionate than I was, perhaps you could find a place in your life for him. Do you think? Listen. You won't be sorry.

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